withered and sere

The following excerpt was taken from an article that rykiel showed me and i promptly loled so badly i had to share with you guys.


Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Omg lah omg omg omg! Ok this was srsly an unexpected windfall for me but i really thankiew guys for picking me for the tatz. I mean i think its a fluke for me to win but HELLL YEAH FREE TATZ!!! OH YESSSSS

Ok some ideas i have for my tatz. Just let you guys see. I sooo want a biomech for the longest time and now finally.....




 

Definition of in⋅vi⋅ta⋅tion

Gay Rights

Weird convo i had with masako LOL.

:D

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:08:25 PM)

or erm 'Shu ting"

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:08:27 PM)

AHAHAHAHAHAH

Masurin says: (4:09:06 PM)

OMG

Masurin says: (4:09:16 PM)

Your name is so similar to mine :-O

Masurin says: (4:09:17 PM)

Su Ling

Masurin says: (4:09:19 PM)

HAHAHHA

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:09:20 PM)

AHAHHAHAH

Masurin says: (4:09:24 PM)

Shu Ting and Su Ling

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:09:24 PM)

WE'RE SISTAS!

Masurin says: (4:09:29 PM)

I KNOW

Masurin says: (4:09:38 PM)

Too bad I'm not Su Ting

Masurin says: (4:09:42 PM)

then we can be the Ting Tings

Masurin says: (4:09:43 PM)

OMG LAME

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:09:55 PM)

AHAHAHA

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:10:04 PM)

Yeah that's my childhood pet name

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:10:05 PM)

ting ting

Masurin says: (4:10:10 PM)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:12:02 PM)

REALLY

Masurin says: (4:12:23 PM)

TING TING

Masurin says: (4:12:30 PM)

OMG in American..... they use to call me

Masurin says: (4:12:36 PM)

LING LING DON'T FORGET YOUR BLING BLING

Masurin says: (4:12:43 PM)

WTF ._. Americans

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:13:44 PM)

AHAHAHAH

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:13:50 PM)

My besty is Ling LOL

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:14:00 PM)

I call her Ling ga ding ga ling!

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:14:05 PM)

Ting and Ling

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:14:17 PM)

super crazy dynamic duo

Masurin says: (4:14:56 PM)

OMG WTFUCKERY IS THIS

Masurin says: (4:14:59 PM)

This is so aweosme

Masurin says: (4:15:05 PM)

TING LING TING

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:15:28 PM)

we're the Ling Tings!

Masurin says: (4:15:32 PM)

HAHAHHA

Masurin says: (4:15:38 PM)

I should be Agent L

Masurin says: (4:15:43 PM)

and You should be Agent T now

Masurin says: (4:15:46 PM)

TL homie

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:15:53 PM)

LOL

Agent K> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:15:58 PM)

OGAY

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:16:20 PM)

tada its done!

Agent L says: (4:17:12 PM)

Tada it be done too

Agent L says: (4:17:21 PM)

Now people are wondering Who the heck are these people?!

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:17:25 PM)

YUP YUP

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:17:38 PM)

XD

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:17:54 PM)

Supa FLY

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:17:57 PM)

SUpa Spy!

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:00 PM)

We nede a theme song

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:02 PM)

Supa TING

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:04 PM)

and Supa LING

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:08 PM)

Ting a ling ling

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:12 PM)

there goes the ding

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:16 PM)

as they swooped by

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:19 PM)

you know in bling

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:18:19 PM)

AHAHAHAAH

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:18:24 PM)

WTF LOL

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:32 PM)

they're coming at you

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:35 PM)

all fly and shit

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:38 PM)

then you know

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:41 PM)

you are in deep shit

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:18:48 PM)

I need to cut and paste this on my LJ

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:18:51 PM)

LOL

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:18:54 PM)

ROFL

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:03 PM)

Supa TING and Supa LING

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:09 PM)

all deck up to the wing?

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:15 PM)

ready to battle on a whime

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:18 PM)

oops whim

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:23 PM)

coming at you homie

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:28 PM)

peace out

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:19:29 PM)

Ling Ting Wing!

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:43 PM)

to the Ting Mobile!

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:19:46 PM)

And the Ling Wing

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:20:26 PM)

WE'LL TING GA LING GA TING GA LING....URE_______

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:20:34 PM)

<<INSERT word

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:20:37 PM)

DING!

Agent L > Am in your fridge, stealing your NOMS says: (4:20:47 PM)

OMG that sounded SO dirty

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:21:22 PM)

Ahahahah

Agent T> Victoria Secret tmr 10pm! says: (4:21:34 PM)

Now does it *smirks* LOL

I want to live forever
Inside the nights and days.
Wishing on a silver cloud,
Crawling across the moonbeams.
A summer night in heaven
Between the stars and waves.
Race across the old bonfire;
Trample on my heartbeat.

I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But somebody owns you now.

I love you with a fire,
A blazing till times end
But what good is a heart
When it shudders to speak.
I guess it's too late now.

"I wanted to turn you on
My favorite song.
Wanted to be near you
But (of course) somebody owns you now.
(And) I tried to live somehow
Somebody owns you now" (Repeat 2x)

Somebody owns you now